There are various meanings for the word trust depending on whether you are using it as a noun or a verb. Regardless of how you use this word, something is required of you. Just like love , trust is a choice you make. There are those who may disagree with me and that is cool. However, for me I have allowed my level of trust to be depleted to the point that relationships are difficult. LOL This is no one person’s fault cause the only common denominator in everything is me. I have made the decision that extending trust to enter or keep up a relationship is pointless. The crazy things is that I would love to be in a relationship with a well ground man – not saying individual so no one gets this twisted. LOL
The past failures in my life have apparently left bruises which have healed but the reminder of the pain remains. Whether a conscious decision or not I choose to avoid getting caught up in a relationship too deep. My excuse is I don’t have the patience to deal with mess anymore. This is a VERY, VERY true statement. I could not see myself dealing with any of the mess I dealt with in – OPPS almost told my age- the past. I have to shake my head and wonder – what was my problem to have dealt with that mess for so long. The thing is I made two choices in my past. One was to love unconditionally and completely. The second was to trust that I would receive back in equal measure what I gave. ROFL Both of these required something of me and in the end I was proven wrong.
In time I learned to love with a reserve. My family gets 100% and then some but everyone else there is a very cautious measure of love given. My heart can only take so much abuse and I love me so abuse is out of the question. Those I truly care for I love unconditionally and nothing will change that – especially when it comes to my family. Then there is how I have chosen to allow the trust factor to affect my ability to enter a relationship. Honestly, when view my track record my choices have been less than stellar. I realize that I lack the trust in myself to choose or be comfortable in choosing someone to build a relationship with. I am very guarded with my feelings. This could make anyone else extremely stressful but it is very relaxing to me actually – lonely yes. My inability to have confidence in the choices I will make has led to my avoiding making any choice.
Life is about taking chances and learning from ones mistakes. For me some of those lessons were hard and I have no wish to repeat them again. Relationships are about given your heart to someone else and trusting they will take care of it. Presently, I do not have that level of trust in me. It’s a hard thing to say but I know it is me. The wall I have built around trust seems too thick, tall and wide for me to even break through – and I built it. The stuff I do to me.
Being willing to place trust in another person allows you to love them in the end. First, I have to be willing to trust.
To be continued…
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